Another Great Reader Question....Am I responsible for the bad things in my life?”

Reader question.

“Are you saying I am responsible for the bad things in my life?”
The short answer. Responsible yes, deserving no.

There’s two parts to this question I want to address. The first is the word responsible. I often think when we hear the word responsible we put a punitive slant on it. As if we have done something to deserve a unfavorable situation. It is defining responsibility or karma using our human ego parameters. The truth is the eternal energy, source, god, Tao (whatever you call it ) never judges. It’s never punitive. That’s a human invention. The law of karma is simple- cause and effect. If you go outside in freezing weather without a coat you’ll be cold. So, to be responsible is to be accountable, aware, and answerable to the fact that we have creative power in the world (see blog for more on that). Any blame, judgment, or punitive belief we put on it is up to us. So are we responsible for what is showing up in our lives? Yes. What we label that thing showing up, good, bad, difficult, easy, is our definition. The thing that happened is just as it is. How we interpret that situation is up to us.

I know that this is such a easy thing to say but  oh so very difficult in practice. When I am challenged do I remember to not judge it? Sometimes. When I look back at some very trying times in my life did I stay present in the moment and not put my story on it? Not often. Did I fall into judgment, blame, despair, and fear? Did I just want it to be different? Absolutely. Do I still. You betcha. I struggle and I grow. That’s why it’s called a practice.

The other part of the question I should address is the word “ bad”. The word “bad” is so totally  subjective. What you might label bad might be fine for me and vice versa. And even when we are a state of despair, when we are totally convinced it is in fact the absolute worst, can we know that for sure? I don’t think so. Personally, when I am asked how I would handle a horrific event I can’t answer. Honestly, I don’t know how I would handle a seemingly horrific event in my life. To think  what I might do is a hypothetical situation, forecasting into the future, which by it’s very nature takes me out of the present. What I can only hope is that I would remember to ask for help to stay present to the moment. That I would remember to breathe. That I would allow whatever to surface and be honest about it. To rant, to sob, to cry, whatever was necessary. In the hope that in my rawness my edges might begin to soften. I might be able to see a crack of light in my darkness. Because this is when the “practice” becomes a practice.

“Now when the fight begins with himself, a man’s worth something.” 
Robert Browning. 

But how about all those bad things that have happened in our lives. Perhaps, if we look back might we see how they have actually been in fact" good" in the scheme of things? Cancers’ that awoke people to change their lives in miraculous ways. Deaths that have inspired people to show courage even in the deepest of despair. Loss of something so terrible that it cracked them open to a place of joy. I know looking back at my life I can list many seemingly “bad” things that have happened as now some of my most treasured gifts and teachings. So is"bad" really bad in that case? Would I have been able to learn the necessary lessons in a different way? Maybe? But the fact is I didn’t. I needed the lesson exactly as it showed up and for that I am responsible and even grateful. This fact helps me now when I face challenging situations. Remembering that any label on put on it is the cause of my suffering not the actual event. Have I perfected this? Am I able to stay absolutely calm and connected and present in moments of great fear? Am I always open to grace to witness the gift in the moment? No way. But I practice over and over again.

Healing and growth are simple but not always easy. Realizing our responsibility for whatever happens in our lives is important because it enables us to take our power back. If we created our way in then  we can create our way out. We are no longer victims. We become more interested in freedom than justice. So the concept of responsibility is actually not punitive at all (that's a victim stance) but one of immense freedom and empowerment. A horrible thing may have happened to us once, twice, or numerous times. The act may be over but every time we relive those memories, every time we replay the script, identify, or believe a victim story we become our own perpetrator. We lose our sense of responsibility. If we replay the abuse we suffered we re-offend ourselves with resentment, pain, and blame and we become our own abuser. I choose freedom over being right. Healing over justification. That is what I’m concerned with. So I say with the deepest compassion. We  can all gently, ever so gently, lay down our own sword. Take responsibility for what has happened without attaching to the story. It’s just not worth it, for you. This is illumination. This is what healing is all about.  If you are no longer a victim you will no longer believe you can be victimized and you are empowered. If you no longer identify with being sick you are well. If you no longer identify with any label you set yourself free. This is responsibility. So, are we responsible for our lives? Yes we are.

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